Saturday, May 26, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
How to respond when a passive aggressive husband demeans you in public
Here is an interaction posted in a forum....would you like to see this Q & A?
Q.- Watching him carefully, he displays a lot of the PA behaviors you list in your e-book! Won't remember good things about me, only negative, nothing I do is good enough, unrealistic expectations, black and white thinking, couldn't express his own anger as a child, forgets promises, makes financial decisions - EVERYTHING on his own - not just financial, no accountability, blames me for everything, etc.
And you know what the worst is? He calls me names in front of people who love me! Just yesterday he came to my office, and said to my boss: “How is my little slut doing here? Better than at home?” I wanted to die then and there!!!
I truly believe I am only around for him as a scapegoat for him to vent at. He does not do this with ANYONE ELSE! A long time ago he even once told me that he felt he could get angry with me because I let him have his feelings! Please give me insight on how he twisted things to me attacking him and if I should even try w/ this person, or if I have mishandled things somehow. Also, if there is something I need to do to save this relationship. By the way, I am a "rescuer." Another problem I have is that I am a Catholic and cannot marry another person.
Dear,
A.- I need you to call him today to let him know that although you love him
and value your relationship, you would not tolerate the way he treated you last
night.
(This
needs to be done a calm voice and tone. It will be better to be really understood
that you keep your voice neutral and matter of fact)
He
can feign forgetfulness: “what are you talking about?” or demean the episode:
“I was only making a joke, can’t you take a joke”? Be prepared with the
responses: I know that you remember; I don’t appreciate jokes that include an
insult…..all in the same tone of voice.
PLEASE: Don’t let him enrage you, keep the
voice neutral and flat. And repeat your phrase at least three times...Why three? Because he needs three times the message delivered, so as not to deny it!
You have to consider that you will need several episodes of this caliber to really break
through to him the message: “I want to be respected by you.”
Also,
you will not hear from him frequently about any decision of his to improve; he will
not say a word, so you need to watch his behavior. If you catch him praising
you, tell him thanks.
This
is a long process of change. It depends how much energy and hope you have in
this relationship….perhaps you feel that it is worth the try. Then, when you
see changes in one area, you can move to the next one, spelling for him what is
unacceptable behavior and what is the “good behavior” you need.
This looks like a lot of work?
Yes, indeed! but there is no other way if you want to:
a) recover your self-respect;
b) keep your sane brain functioning, not "fogged" by him;
c) see clearly who is doing what in this marriage.
Good luck!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
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